To say China's women are outnumbered is an understatement. With a staggering 30 million more men than women, one of the world's most populous countries faces a significant surplus of unmarried men. The odds are heavily stacked against them finding a date, let alone a wife – something many feel pressured to do, particularly by their families and society.
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06-23, 2025To make matters worse, it's even harder if you're from a lower social class, according to Chinese dating coach Hao, who has over 3,000 clients. "Most of them are working class – they're the least likely to find wives," he says, highlighting the socioeconomic challenges they face in the marriage market. We see this first-hand in Violet Du Feng's documentary, The Dating Game, where we watch Hao and three of his clients throughout his week-long dating camp, which aims to improve their chances.
All of them, including Hao, have come from poor, rural backgrounds, and were part of the generation growing up after the 90s in China, when many parents left their toddlers with other family members to go and work in the cities. That generation are now adults, and are going to the cities themselves to try to find a wife and boost their status, hoping to improve their prospects through marriage. Du Feng, who is based in the US, wants her film to highlight what life is like for younger generations in her home country, focusing on the challenges they face.
"In a time when gender divide is so extreme, particularly in China, it's about how we can bridge a gap and create dialogue," she tells the BBC, emphasizing the film's goal of fostering understanding. Hao's three clients – Li, 24, Wu, 27 and Zhou, 36 – are battling the aftermath of China's one-child policy, which has had lasting social consequences. Their struggles reflect the broader societal pressures and gender imbalances that have emerged in recent decades.
Set up by the government in 1980 when the population approached one billion, the policy was introduced amid fears that having too many people would affect the country's economic growth. But a traditional preference for male children led to large numbers of girls being abandoned, placed in orphanages, sex-selective abortions or even cases of female infanticide, creating a skewed gender ratio. The result is today's huge gender imbalance, with far-reaching social implications. China is now so concerned about its plummeting birth rate and ageing population that it ended the policy in 2016, and holds regular matchmaking events to encourage marriage and procreation.
Wu, Li and Zhou want Hao to help them find a girlfriend at the very least, seeking guidance and support in navigating the complex dating landscape. He is someone they can aspire to be, having already succeeded in finding a wife, Wen, who is also a dating coach, providing a model of success. The men see Hao as a mentor who can provide practical advice and strategies to improve their chances of finding a partner.
The men let Hao give them makeovers and haircuts, while he tells them his questionable "techniques" for attracting women – both online and in person, which range from grooming tips to dating strategies. But while everyone tries their best, not everything goes to plan, and the men encounter various challenges and setbacks. The process is often awkward and uncomfortable, highlighting the pressures and anxieties associated with dating in China.
Hao constructs an online image for each man, but he stretches a few boundaries in how he describes them, and Zhou thinks it feels "fake," questioning the authenticity of the online personas. "I feel guilty deceiving others," he says, clearly uncomfortable with being portrayed as someone he can't match in reality, revealing his internal conflict. Du Feng thinks this is a wider problem, reflecting the pervasive pressure to present an idealized version of oneself online.
"It's a unique China story, but also it's a universal story of how in this digital landscape, we're all struggling and wrestling with the price of being fake in the digital world, and then the cost that we have to pay to be authentic and honest," she says, highlighting the film's broader relevance. Hao may be one of China's "most popular dating coaches", but we see his wife question some of his methods, suggesting that his approaches are not universally accepted. Despite these reservations, he remains committed to helping his clients find love and companionship.
Undeterred, he sends his proteges out to meet women, spraying their armpits with deodorant, declaring: "It's showtime!" injecting a sense of urgency and excitement into the process. The men have to approach potential dates in a busy night-time shopping centre in Chongqing, one of the world's biggest cities, facing the daunting task of initiating conversations with strangers. It's almost painful to watch as they ask women to link up via the messaging app WeChat, highlighting the awkwardness and vulnerability of the situation.
But it does teach them to dig into their inner confidence, which, up until now, has been hidden from view, forcing them to confront their insecurities and develop their social skills. Dr Zheng Mu, from the National University of Singapore's sociology department, tells the BBC how pressure to marry can impact single men, adding to the challenges they face. The societal expectations surrounding marriage can create significant stress and anxiety for those who struggle to find a partner.
"In China, marriage or the ability, financially and socially, to get married as the primary breadwinner, is still largely expected from men," she says, emphasizing the traditional gender roles and expectations. "As a result, the difficulty of being considered marriageable can be a social stigma, indicating they're not capable and deserving of the role, which leads to great pressures and mental strains," highlighting the psychological toll of failing to meet these expectations. Zhou is despondent about how much dates cost him, including paying for matchmakers, dinner and new clothes, revealing the financial burden of dating.
"I only make $600 (£440) a month," he says, noting a date costs about $300, illustrating the significant financial strain. "In the end our fate is determined by society," he adds, deciding that he needs to "build up my status," reflecting his belief that socioeconomic status plays a crucial role in determining one's marital prospects. Du Feng explains: "This is a generation in which a lot of these surplus men are defined as failures because of their economic status," emphasizing the societal judgment they face.
"They're seen as the bottom of society, the working class, and so somehow getting married is another indicator that they can succeed," highlighting the link between marriage and social status in Chinese society. We learn that one way for men in China to "break social class" is to join the army, and see a big recruitment drive taking place in the film, presenting military service as a path to upward mobility. The film notably does not explore what life is like for gay men in China, a significant omission given the societal pressures surrounding marriage and family.
Du Feng agrees that Chines society is less accepting of gay men, while Dr Mu adds: "In China, heteronormativity largely rules, reflecting the dominant social norms. "Therefore, men are expected to marry women to fulfill the norms... to support the nuclear family and develop it into bigger families by becoming parents," highlighting the strong emphasis on traditional family structures. Technology also features in the documentary, which explores the increasing popularity of virtual boyfriends, saying that over 10 million women in China play online dating games.
We even get to see a virtual boyfriend in action – he's understanding, undemanding and undeniably handsome, offering an idealized version of companionship. One woman says real-life dating costs "time, money, emotional energy - it's so exhausting," highlighting the challenges and frustrations of traditional dating. She adds that "virtual men are different - they have great temperaments, they're just perfect," suggesting that virtual relationships offer a more convenient and less demanding alternative.
Dr Mu sees this trend as "indicative of social problems" in China, citing "long work hours, greedy work culture and competitive environment, along with entrenched gender role expectations," linking the popularity of virtual boyfriends to broader societal issues. "Virtual boyfriends, who can behave better aligned with women's expected ideals, may be a way for them to fulfil their romantic imaginations," suggesting that virtual relationships provide an escape from the pressures and limitations of real-life interactions. Du Feng adds: "The thing universally that's been mentioned is that the women with virtual boyfriends felt men in China are not emotionally stable," highlighting a perceived emotional deficit in Chinese men.
Her film digs into the men's backgrounds, including their often fractured relationships with their parents and families, revealing the underlying emotional complexities. "These men are coming from this, and there's so much negative pressure on them - how could you expect them to be stable emotionally?" suggesting that their emotional struggles are a product of their upbringing and societal pressures. Reuters reported last year that "long-term single lifestyles are gradually becoming more widespread in China," indicating a shift in attitudes towards marriage and relationships.
"I'm worried about how we connect with each other nowadays, especially the younger generation," Du Feng says, expressing concern about the changing dynamics of human connection. "Dating is just a device for us to talk about this. But I am really worried, highlighting the broader implications of these trends. "My film is about how we live in this epidemic of loneliness, with all of us trying to find connections with each other," framing the documentary as an exploration of contemporary loneliness and the search for meaningful relationships.
So by the end of the documentary, which has many comical moments, we see it has been something of a realistic journey of self-discovery for all of the men, including Hao, suggesting that the process has been transformative for everyone involved. "I think that it's about the warmth as they find each other, knowing that it's a collective crisis that they're all facing, and how they still find hope," Du Feng says, emphasizing the importance of solidarity and resilience. "For them, it's more about finding themselves and finding someone to pat their shoulders, saying, 'I see you, and there's a way you can make it'," highlighting the need for empathy and support in navigating these challenges.
Screen Daily's Allan Hunter says the film is "sustained by the humanity that Du Feng finds in each of the individuals we come to know and understand a little better", adding it "ultimately salutes the virtue of being true to yourself," praising the film's focus on individual stories and authenticity. Hao concludes: "Once you like yourself, it's easier to get girls to like you," offering a simple yet profound piece of advice. _The Dating Game is out in selected UK cinemas this autumn._
